ZODIAC ZONKERS - The Zapping* Edition

*Fopping Forecast for Men from Mars (or the Zeus-Inclined)

For the Week of Monday, August 30, 2004

Dirk Flap (author and co-founder of the Astroblast Friends Network) shares his zodiac zapping insights to make your wimpy werewolf week truly dysFUNctional! NOTE: Any advice given in this column should be taken with a grain of salt and a shot of tequila!!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
This is the “Year of the Monkey” in Chinese astrology. So, the best thing to do is chuck your low-carb and sugar diet. For starters, get used to eating bananas. And just for fun, you little Seagoat…toss your hoofs and fins. By all means, take up yoga, and learn how to hang upside down. You must admit, the world looks a tad more interesting that way!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
In this “Year of the Monkey”, you’re going to toss your water bucket at everyone you meet. Water creatures like you will scatter joy in really weird places. Uranus is in Pisces…and that means you’re in for a bumpy ride to the Land of Extinct Creatures like Dodo birds and Dingbats. Wear violet so the frigging seagulls won’t plop on your mop!

PISCES (19 February – 20 March)
Fishy folk like you, who can’t make up their minds which stream of consciousness to paddle about in, deserve a rest. It’s time to haul out your old vinyl records of “The Monkeys”, listen to the beat, and do the “Full Monty” in front of a mirror. Make sure it’s pocket-sized, after all you don’t want any streaking complaints from your neighbours!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
Listen up! Ram-a-dam-a-ding-dongs like you had their best chance to succeed last year. So, quit complaining that the cards were stacked against you winning the American Idol Contest. Your voice sucks, you won’t spoil kids, and are careless with the details like even entering the contest and doing an audition. Get with the times…wear a monkey suit!

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
For bulls in a china shop like you, this “Year of the Monkey” will be a little perplexing. After all, what to do bulls and monkeys have in common? Well, let’s see…they’re smelly, never listen, never brush their teeth and aren’t potty-trained. Let’s face it you need a miraculous makeover! Try your luck in the movies…Way to go there Godzilla!

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
So how can “The Twins” cash in on the “Year of the Monkey”? Go to the nearest casino and drop some loose change into a one-armed bandit. Hey, that’s about as close to Lady Luck as you’re going to get this year. Then follow the Fickle Finger of Fate to your nearest children’s library and check out all the monkey stories you can. Real neat eh?

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
Crabs and monkeys don’t really have a strong affinity for one another. But strange things happen during the transit of Uranus in Pisces. Give Telus a call (they like hearing from off-the-wall creatures). Tell them you want a starring role in one of their TV ads. Fight for equal-opportunity hiring practices! Hey, it’s time for water signs to get a break!!

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Okay we all know that you’re a generous, fun-loving King or Queen of the Castle. But this year, you’re going to have to share your throne with the Mischievous Monkey. The good news is that you’ll receive lots of stroking throughout the year. The bad news is that the monkey put a hex on your head. So, why not make your bald spot a funny feature?

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
The “Year of the Monkey” is your opportunity to shine. Mercury rules your sign, that’s why you’re so nervous, cranky, eccentric, untidy, dogmatic, prudish, undemonstrative, overly demanding, not to mention scathingly critical of the lazy. Gee whiz, with all that stuff going for you, a little monkey business seems to be right up your alley doesn’t it?

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Well we all know that you’re the harmony-seeking “air head” wunderkind of the universe. This year you can descend from the clouds you’ve been living in and be a chimpanzee for a change. Time to toss the narcissistic, lazy, sulky, fearful, indecisive, manipulative, overbearing and flirtatious cover you’ve been wearing! Whoopee!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
What does a scorpion say to a monkey when they meet? “Get out of my way before I zap you with my zinger you pesky thing!” How does the monkey respond? “Get out of my way or I’ll put a hex on you, you little creep!” Yup, that about sums up their dysfunctional state of affairs. Maybe Cupid will have better luck on Valentine’s Day!

SAGITTARIUS (22 November – 21 December)
The mutable Archers have a knack of transforming negative situations with their eternally optimistic spirit. This year, they’re going to need all the uplifting, positive thoughts they can get, because the Monkey’s back in town. This creative mischief-maker can’t wait to poke fun at archers by having them shoot themselves in the foot just to see them dance!


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Email: contrarian@shaw.ca.